The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
