She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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