all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The air was thick with penises
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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