i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
