Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
