So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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