they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
