When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
