I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
