You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I don't deserve a penis
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
