Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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