were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
