she was so not down for the gang bang
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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