Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
