I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
