Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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