I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
