I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
my liver is dry heaving
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
