Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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