how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
