WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
