first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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