i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
what day is it and did you see me today?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think my moral compass just broke
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
