Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
