just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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