last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
