your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
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