Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
