He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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