hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
