I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
