Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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