How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
