I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
