If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There r osticjed everywhere
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
