His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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