it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I need to calm my uterus...
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