I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
