Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
