I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
