I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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