When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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