1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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