i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
