and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
