it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
