Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I currently don't understand fingers.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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