That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
