booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
