this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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