I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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