guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
this hospital has no fireball
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
