May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
