oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize