Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That's how pantless uber rides happen
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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