hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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