I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
