forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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