If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
