oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
