a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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