I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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