I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
