I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize