should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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