he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
