I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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