Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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