I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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