i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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