Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
