Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
